Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Martin Mull % It warmed the cookies of my heart ... -- Snoopy % Managing a software development team is a lot like being on the psychiatric ward. -- Mitch Kapor, San Jose Mercury News % "Warning: The following program is geared to the lowest common denominator ..." "Hey, that's ME!" -- Berry's World % "It's not polite to sniff someone without asking permission, first." "Oh. Okay." ... "Can I sniff you now?" "No! Don't be wierd!" -- Stinkbomb and Bumpo, Animaniacs. % "Oh, there you are, Mindy." "Hi lady!" "Mindy! I'm your mother! Call me 'Mom' not 'lady'!" "Okay, lady. Luv you. B'bye!" -- Mindy and her mother, Animaniacs. % Puttin' a letter into Canada Post is like knowing a cow just swallowed yer car keys. The only way to retrieve it is from the other end! -- postman, For Better or For Worse % "You got spunk. I HATE spunk." -- Lou Grant sizes up Mary Richards, The Mary Tyler Moore show. % When the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson % This is Unix, we shouldn't be saying "why would you want to do that", we should be saying "sure, you can do that if you want." :-) -- Steve Hayman % "If I had a rocket launcher, some son-of-a-bitch would die." -- Bruce Cockburn, not in a good mood % swing yer partner round and round. stick him in the toilet and flush him down. -- Don Berns, CFNY 102.1 FM (Toronto) % We play less music by dead guys. -- Dave Marsden, CKST 840 AM (Vancouver), during the CRTC license application for CKST. % I'm bored. I'm the chairman of the bored. -- Iggy Pop % Maximum number of rodent hairs permitted by Health and Welfare Canada in 100 grams of chocolate: 3 Of insect fragments in 25 grams of ground roasted coffee: 60 -- Globe And Mail's _Report on Business_ magazine, Jan. 1990 % Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station-wagon full of tapes. -- Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS % All you guys do is ``meet''. -- a discovery by Dennis Ferguson, UTCS Network Systems Specialist % When the shit hits the fan, if you duck, you're safe. -- an observation by Dennis Ferguson, UTCS Network Systems Specialist % If you can read between the lines you should fill them in. -- advice from Dennis Ferguson, UTCS Network Systems Specialist % I like networking. But I don't like net-not-working. -- Beverly Erlebacher, UTCS UNIX Systems Programmer % Remind me that that was a stupid idea. -- Tom Molnar, UTCS UNIX Systems Supervisor % ... this job requires nerds of steel ... -- anonymous % He's [like] Catbert. He thinks his terminal is a butt-warmer. I'll bet he goes home at night and licks his balls. -- comment about a colleague from an obvious Dilbert fan. notices some similarities in a real person. % "You're a dork." -- Amanda Wagner, U Toronto Information Commons, realizes the plain truth about a co-worker. % If this is all for want of a hash mark then maybe I should smoke some. -- Ken Brown, sysadmin, Trent University, discovers an overlooked character in a file. % Thanks for your help. I'll send you a new hat ... one size bigger. -- Ken Brown, sysadmin, Trent University, expresses his gratitude. % I love digging turds out of the toilet. -- Ken Brown, sysadmin, Trent University, presents an interesting metaphor. % Inertia keeps me going. -- moi. % Get a grip. Get a clue. Get a life. -- moi % So you all washed. Now I'm-a gonna spin-a dry you! -- the latin "babe," _Faster Pussycat Kill Kill_ % "Sure, the world's a stage. And *I* want better lighting." -- David Lee Roth, conciously parodies show-business during an interview on _The New Music_ % It just doesn't matter! -- head camp counselor (Bill Murray), _Meatballs_ % I don't care! -- (Tommy Lee Jones) replies to (Harrison Ford), _The Fugitive_ % "May I make a statement, MacKay?" "Go Ahead!" "Your mouthwash ain't making it." -- Inspector Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood), _The Enforcer_ % ... "Stephen, that's my foot." -- Dennis Peck (Richard Gere), _Internal Affairs_ % * Two eggs, 1 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup regular sugar, 2 sticks softened butter. Fold in 2 1/4 cups flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon baking soda, and a couple tablespoons of vanilla. For an extra chocolate jag, mix in 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Oh, don't forget 2 cups of chocolate chips. Bake at 375 degrees for 10 minutes. -- footnote on p.126 of _The Cuckoos's Egg_ by Cliff Stoll. % From: sfisher@abingdon.sgi.com (Scott Fisher) Newsgroups: rec.food.cooking,alt.sex.bondage,talk.bizarre Subject: Do You Know Exactly How to Eat an Oreo? Date: 16 Feb 90 02:10:54 GMT Slowly, with the delicacy of a ballet manoeuver, he twisted the crisp, brown cap of her Oreo cookie -- first to the right, then ever so tantalizingly to the left. "Mmmmm," she crooned, a deep animal noise coming from the core of her sensual being, "you really know how to get to a girl's creamy middle, don't you?" At last he gave a twist, and with a gasp she realized he had exposed the dimpled white surface of her creme filling. "Oh God, don't stop," she moaned as his tongue flicked over the indentations in the surface of the sweet white frosting. Suddenly, with a fervor she had barely expected, his teeth dug into the confection and slowly, with an agony of pleasure, he dragged them against the crisp brown wafer, peeling the icing from her crunchy cookie in languorous curls of sweetness with a deft, masterful stroke of his head and hands. "You're sure no vanilla wafer," she said after she caught her breath. % Vanguard conservative William F. Buckley blew in on that wind one cloudy day. With a cold in his chest and a substantial lecturer's fee in his pocket, he took the stage at Bailey Hall before a packed audience to give a two-hour talk. Naturally certain campus elements could not pass up this opportunity to infringe on the right of free speech; the front rows of the auditorium were packed with Cornell Marxists, and as Buckley approached the podium they set up a cry of "Fascist swine! Oink! Oink! Oink!" in no less than seven East Bloc languages. Bohemian King Lion-Heart was infuriated by this; he had paid good capitalist money for the privilege of hearing Buckley out and then disagreeing with him. He raised his fist in defiance, and the Bohemians, Grey Ladies, and Blue Zebras began a counter-chant: "Bill! Bill! Bill!" The Young Republicans and reporters for the right-wing Cornell _Review_ chimed in, perhaps not realizing, in their own fury, just who they were jumping into bed with. After a rousing chorus of "God Bless America," the Communists were at last cowed into quietude. Looking dazed but not unhappy, Buckley launched into a long address concerning the death of liberalism, the rise of the new right, and the tattooing of AIDS victims. An excerpt from "Fool on the Hill," by Matt Ruff. % _Louie Louie_: The Kingsmen, 1963; lyrics: R. Berry (1955) Louie Louie, me gotta go / Louie Louie, me gotta go Fine little girl she waits for me / me catch the ship for cross the sea me sail the ship all alone / me never thinks me make it home (chorus) The nights and days me sail the sea / me think of girl constantly on the ship I dream she there / I smell the rose in her hair (chorus guitar solo) Me see Jamaica moon above / it won't be long, me see my love I take her in my arms and then / me tell her I never leave again ------------------------- As heard by Bill The Cat: Louie, Lou-I, ne ga go / Louie, Lou-I, ne ga go ee fi li curl way fra nee / ee cat-ta shi fo kra-see ne sait a shi auuuu lome / ee newa fwo mamake i ome (chorus) ree nie (garbled) ail zee / me tink (garbled) ee (garbled) (garbled) dwee l'il friskies / (garbled) ack / (garbled) (guitar solo) -- Bloom County, 1988 % ... to excite the daring, test the strong, and give promise to the timid. -- a pledge by Lester B. Pearson % This is the first time in my life that I have spoken from a Tory platform. -- Ontario Liberal leader Mitchell Hepburn, speaking from atop a manure spreader % conscription if necessary, but not necessarily conscription. -- William Lyon Mackenzie King % Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half so good ... luckily it's not difficult. -- Charlotte Whitton % The words of my worthy opponent have made me sick to my stomach. -- Sir John A. Macdonald, after throwing up at the side of the stage during a hustings debate with George Brown. % From: BOYDJ@qucdn.UUCP (Jeff Boyd) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The legendary wit of SJAM Date: 20 May 90 23:30:06 GMT Attributed to Sir John A. MacDonald: Heckler: I wouldn't vote for you if you were the Angel Gabriel. Sir John A.: My friend, you're so right; you wouldn't be in my constituency. % The problem with American media is that it's voluntary _TASS_. -- anonymous CBC newsreporter % First you teach these kids how to skate, *then* you teach 'em how to handle the puck. -- Howie Meeker, Hockey Night in Canada % ``You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. If you don't scratch my back, I'll scratch your face.'' -- Pierre E. Trudeau, characterizing federal-provincial relations % I wanted to take a gun and go down there and do some serious damage to these people. -- The Right Honourable Brian Mulroney, Prime Minister, reacts to a questionable piece in _Frank_ magazine. % Every 10 years, we ought to hang a sign in our window saying: "All activity suspended. We're having a national unity crisis." -- Carol Goar, Toronto Star columnist on national affairs % Bilingualism lets you "have more friends." -- Danny Barber, age 8, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. % We Canadians are very apathetic. We have to lose our underwear before we realize there's a cold wind blowing. -- Canadian citizen Jean Sloan, Lloydminster, Saskatchewan. % "As Canadians we had the great opportunity for American know-how, British politics and French culture but somehow we ended up with American culture, British know-how and French politics." -- anglophone reporter in Quebec City. % Standard units of measurement ... the metre: distance the hand: horses the bushel: volume the cubit: arks, architecture half the size of PEI: forest fires, clearcuts, natural disasters, oil slicks, etc. -- Jenkins, cartoonist, The Globe and Mail % From: me@csri.toronto.edu (Daniel R. Simon) Newsgroups: can.general,can.politics Subject: Re: The NDP Win in Ontario Date: 11 Sep 90 16:41:33 GMT In article <...> adam@cs.toronto.edu (Adam Deutsch) writes: >I am a bit mystified by this term "working people". Are people in factories >and on construction sites the only ones who work? The lawyers I know >typically put in 60-70 hour weeks. I always assumed the term to exclude those who are currently under repair. -- "There *is* confusion worse than death" Daniel R. Simon -Tennyson (me@theory.toronto.edu) % From: kim@watnow.waterloo.edu (T. Kim Nguyen) Newsgroups: can.general Subject: Re: Canadian first? (was: Let the Palestinians move) Date: 21 Jan 91 02:56:56 [...] I'm as Canadian as the next white guy whose ancestors stole the land from the natives. :-) -- T. Kim Nguyen kim@watnow.waterloo.{edu|cdn} kim@watnow.uwaterloo.ca {uunet|utzoo|utai|decvax}!watmath!watnow!kim % Same trough, different pigs. -- a local reaction to a change in government. % Superpowers don't have friends, they have interests. -- Gwynne Dyer, military analyst. % If you're going down in flames, hit something big. -- Gilbert Shelton, underground comics artist, in the film _Comic_Book_Confidential_. % Vacuum six basements. Four attics, too. -- Arthur Black with a great way to remember a postal code, on his show Basic Black on CBC Radio - Vancouver [ V6B 4A2 ]. % To comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. -- slogan from the old St. Louis Post-Dispatch [ as recalled by John Kenneth Galbraith on CBC Morningside ] % "Illegitimibus non carborundum." -- from Paul Vixie's .signature [ translation: don't let the bastards grind you down ] % My life is an open wound. -- unknown % Over the hill and picking up speed. -- unknown % "Isn't that an oxymoron?" "Nope. That's just one of them regular morons." -- unknown % VIVE LES WEENIES! -- so says Chef Mel in the comic strip "Citizen Dog". % Binkley: "A boy and his penguin!" Opus: "A penguin and his boy!" Binkley's father: "Two dips and a dad." -- an early Bloom County. % If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. -- Bill Cosby % "I brought you into this world. I can take you out!" -- Bill Cosby recalls a warning from his dad. % "Into the mud, scum queen!" -- Steve Martin turfs Kathleen Turner, in _The Man with Two Brains_ % Excellent band names: Buddy Whatsisname and the Other Fellas. Smart Like Streetcar. Stark Naked and the Fleshtones. Dick Duck and the Dorks. Best band name: Armed and Hammered. % if (readerToleranceOfRantsAboutMicrosoft.OnFlame()) { I'm not making the server program or even my modifications to it available because it is written as a gnarly Microsoft Foundation Classes (MFC) application, and while I am perfectly willing to use anything to get an in-house job done with as little time and effort as possible, distributing MFC code to others would make me an accessory to the intellectual pollution of our industry which is causing a generation of young people to never discover the joy and beauty of programming, to believe that no project can ever be truly finished, to accept "standards" which change every time Bill Gates changes his volatile mind, and to suppose the quality of software delivered by Microsoft to be the best achievable. I don't intend, in saying this, to in any way attack the author of the HTTP server, or his program. He is obviously a very talented programmer who has written a program that is both useful and instructive to examine, which saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in developing HotBits. The author did everything in his program precisely the way Microsoft tells you to (this week), and _that's_ precisely the problem. For most of the nearly 30 years I've been programming, I have become accustomed to software which, albeit shaky at the start, eventually evolves to a state of maturity where it can serve as a stable platform for other software to be built on top of it. Microsoft, instead, continually shake the underlying platform, destabilising everything which is built upon it, and do so, I have come to believe, deliberately with the intent of increasing the costs to competitors of remaining in the Windows market, and providing their own products a time-to-market edge since in-house developers have first access to information about forthcoming deliberate strategically-motivated incompatibilities. If you're the biggest player in the market, by a wide margin, you can afford the additional in-house investment created by strategic incompatibility, but the cost to smaller marginal players can be unbearable, causing them to fall behind and/or drop out, to Microsoft's advantage. What is tragic about all of this is that it is consuming thousands of man-years of labour by talented programmers, forcing users to accept unreliable, deliberately over-complicated, and hostile applications, and all unnecessarily. As one who knows from direct personal experience that it doesn't have be this way, I'm not going to further contribute to this corruption of what personal computing could and should have been, and which I still hope, may still become. } -- from % ... psychically strafed by the relentless barrage of American media ... -- a wonderful description found in _Mondo Canuck_ written by Geoff Pevere and Greig Dymond. % So there you are strolling through the forest. Fortunately you're protected from harmful UV rays by the canoe on your head. -- from a radio ad for beer (where else?). % Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken % "Let's play." -- Antonio Banderas, _Desperado_ % Disks tend to be bi-modal: either they're new or they're full. -- John DiMarco, UToronto CSLab Systems Manager. % Microsoft: Where do you want to go today? Linux: Where do you want to go tomorrow? FreeBSD: Are you guys coming or what? -- a .signature by Bill Moran % The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. -- Junius (the editorial motto of The Globe And Mail). % Dilbert to a visiting engineer: Tell me the truth. Use the engineer's secret code if you must. Are there any little problems with the technology that my managers agreed to buy from your company? Visiting engineer: HA HA SNORT SNORT HA HA HA !!! Dilbert: 1100111... Good. Go on. -- Dilbert, 1997/07/29 % Pointy-haired manager: Before I eat a sandwich, I always remove the useless edges of the bread. That tells you what kind of manager I am. Asok: You're the anti-crust? -- Dilbert, 1999/07/08 % 1960 ROLLS ROYCE SC II -- V8, auto., ps, pb, pw, engine stuck, hit in rear, 65 bullet holes in right side, has rust. If still interest & have $4500. to spend, read this ad again, then call 905-..... -- an advert (with b+w photo) on p.80 of the local Auto Trader (Auto Trader, Imports 1988 or older, Aug. 3 thru 9, 1995) % _Sudbury Saturday Night_: (c) Stompin' Tom Connors. Chorus: The girls are out to Bingo and the boys are gettin' stinko, And we think no more of Inco on a Sudbury Saturday night. The glasses they will tinkle when our eyes begin to twinkle, And we'll think no more of Inco on a Sudbury Saturday night. With Irish Jim O'Connel there and Scotty Jack MacDonald, There's hunky Fredrick Hurgel gettin' tight, but that's alright, There's happy German Fritzy there with Frenchy getting tipsy, And even Joe the Gypsy knows it's Saturday tonight. Now when Mary Ann and Mabel come to join us at the table, And tell us how the Bingo went tonight, we'll look a fright. But if they won the money, we'll be lappin' up the honey, boys, 'Cause everything is funny, for it's Saturday tonight. We'll drink the loot we borrowed and recuperate tomorrow, 'Cause everything is wonderful tonight, we had a good fight, We ate the Dilly Pickle and we forgot about the Nickel, And everybody's tickled, for it's Saturday tonight. The songs that we'll be singing, they might be wrong but they'll be ringing, When all the lights of town are shining bright, and we're all tight, We'll get to work on Monday, but tomorrow's only Sunday, And we're out to have a fun day for it's Saturday tonight. Yeah? We'll think no more of Inco on a Sudbury Saturday night. -- lyrics to "Sudbury Saturday Night" by Stompin' Tom Connors. % Hoo Ha! It's Friday! Put your left hand on your heart, your right hand on your radio, and the steering wheel in your teeth and sing along with us the Friday Song of Inspiration ... Rum rum dee puckedy Rum ding, katoo! Nyee! Nyee! Nyaroo! (phonetic spelling) -- heard on the Jim Brady morning radio show, on CFTR 680-AM (Toronto) in the early 1980s. % The ball is round. The game lasts 90 minutes. That's a fact. Everything else is pure theory ... -- opening lines (subtitles) to "Run, Lola, Run" % [Our 2.5-year-old daughter puts on grand performance] me: "Are you a ham?" she: "No, I'm a her!" % Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about its friends. -- Teo van de Bunt % Tue Mar 16, 2004. 11:30 AM, EST. *RING* "Hello." "Hi-good-morning-is-this-Radiation-Control ?" "Radiation Control? No, sorry. I think you have the wrong number." "Wrong number?? Oh ... ... okay, thank you." "Sure, no problem." *Click* ... (uh oh) -- Hmmm, should I be worried? % There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't. -- seen on a T-shirt. % "Bad Cop, No Donut!" -- a weekly radio segment about police misconduct from CKLN 88.1-FM, Ryerson University campus radio. % Guys! Do you want to see the circle around my butt? -- our daughter, age 4, after sitting on the toilet. % mama: (hiding her hand behind her shirt) How many fingers do I have? our daughter, age 4: All of them. % our daughter's friend, age 6, quoting a song lyric: "... They're trying to get me to go to Rehab ..." our daughter, also age 6: What's rehab? our daughter's friend: I think it's a country. % "Do more with less" -- a standard cliche. "We've run out of less." -- a witty rejoinder supplied by Brian Hawkins (President, Educause). % "Try staring down a mortgage for 30 years, you skydiving wimps!" -- Roseanne Barr. % "Oh? ... Yeah? ... Right ... Sorry." -- John Wing Jr: the four words a guy needs to know for a successful marriage. % % "There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing." -- Sir Rannulph Fiennes % "I LOVE you!" -- Kalayla, age 8-1/2, on discovering that Papa had downloaded episodes of iCarly for her to watch on computer. % "In "Fiddler on the Roof" Tevye said 'if you spit in the air, it lands in your face.' So I tried it and it did." -- Kalayla, almost 9 % "I got my sense of humour from my parents and that's why they don't have one anymore." -- Jann Arden % A passing summer dress. A smile, returned. A new daydream arrives. % "I've never learned anything while I was talking." -- Larry King % "I feel like a nail waiting to get hammered." -- Dilbert % "Corporations have learned they can make more money by telling people that they're right rather than by reporting the news." -- Clay A. Johnston % For exercise I like to ride my bike. That way I can save the running in circles for when I get to the office. % "Who would you rather be? The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?" -- "Gimme Sympathy" by Metric. % "Onion rings are vegetable doughnuts" -- Cookie Monster https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBNJ0BH3Dgs % "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and sigh." -- mantra for those who are not 'in the loop.' % "Talk radio ... ideological food fights" -- Michael Sandel, political philospher. % "It feels like I'm beating a dead horse sometimes but then why is the horse still moving?" -- Jen Agg, restauranteur, interviewed on CBC's The Current. % "Show me another country that's trying SO hard to get it right." -- Mike Myers, speaking about Canada on CBC Radio 1's "Q". % "It's the most fantastic think I ever heard. Who's your shrink?" -- from "Putney Swope", 1969, directed by Robert Downey Sr. % "My grandparents have a phone but you can't play games on it." -- overheard by Kalayla at summer daycamp for 4-6 yr olds. % "If I do a job in 30 minutes, it's because I spent 10 years learning how to do that in 30 minutes. You owe me for the years, not the minutes." -- unknown. % % "I believe there is one God and she was like a single woman. And she was just dating. ... and she went out on multiple dates with multiple prophets. That's how it happened. She said the exact same thing to different prophets. Exact same thing. But because they were men, they understood different shit and wrote different shit down and that became religions. That's all religion is. It's mansplaining." -- Vir Das. % % "If you like travel, then Civil Engineering might be a consideration because, you know, the bridges - they don't come to you." -- Oladapo Sulu, a classmate from 5th form, Senior Staff School, University of Ibadan, 1970, now a practising Civil Engineer. % %